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August 09 2017

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Bernie Wolfe | first and last

August 06 2017


British Memes Gothic


  • There is a Nandos on every street. They are all cheeky. You do not know what makes them cheeky. Each houses a garrison of lads. You do not want to enter, but you cannot resist a cheeky Nandos. The smell of banter and peri peri overwhelms you.
  • A meerkat is trying to sell you insurance. You have forgotten what the insurance is for. All that matters is the comparison. If you are good and do not protest, the meerkat promises, you will get a free meerkat toy.
  • Freddos are too expensive. No-one you know remembers a time when they were the right price. You stare at the sweet shelf, lost in the glamour of the Pick'n'mix and the little chocolate frogs.
  • The DFS sale is now on. It is always now on. Has it ever been off? No matter. It is now on. If you hurry, you can get a year of interest-free payments.
  • Jamie Oliver is on the television. Jamie Oliver is in your school. Jamie Oliver is in your kitchen, cooking an eight-course banquet in 30 minutes. It’s full of big flavours. He always has enough herbs. You do not ask where he gets them from. You can only be thankful it’s Jamie Oliver and not Heston Blumenthal.
  • Everyone watched Dick and Dom when they were a child, no matter their age. Do they age? Where have they gone? What was the nature of their bungalow? Are they of the same deathless kindred as Bruce Forsyth? You suspect Graham Norton may also be involved.
  • There are four candles. Everyone you mention them to thinks you’re talking about utensils.
  • A car races past you. Behind the wheel is a man screaming about POWER. This is the worst day… in the world.
  • When you sleep, you can hear Stephen Fry behind your eyelids, asking you about the significance of the march hare to the Aztecs. You say that they worshipped them. Klaxons blare from all around.

August 03 2017


I’m a good person and I don’t deserve to be hurt by England football teams this often I really don’t

July 26 2017




….mayo is good on fries ok

i have an overwhelming urge to tell you that you are wrong but i don’t know for certain because i have never tried that and i never will out of fear

July 15 2017


Placebo absolutely fucking killed it last night, if you get a chance to see them live do it

July 12 2017


Finally got the official confirmation that I’m moving to third year 🎉🎉

July 07 2017


County funding of sexual health services now means I can’t get a prescription of the pill from my sexual health clinic which is honestly top notch

July 06 2017

6588 78ba 390

June 20 2017


All I’m saying is Jac going mad with grief and then her and Serena having eachother to talk to about stuff when she gets back




Carrie Fisher’s autopsy reveals she had high levels of “Mind your own fucking business” as well as “Who the fuck made that report public anyway”

The autopsy revealed she  drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra. We already knew this


Ok so I have warmed to Jasmine slightly more very recently but her dying because she can’t keep her nose out of anything would be a pretty fitting end




Literally nothing will ever be as satisfying as the 4 minute long fight sequence in Kingsman: The Secret Service, in which Colin Firth mercilessly wastes an entire Westboro Basptist Church like congregation as the guitar solo from Lynard Skynard’s 1973 anthem Freebird plays in the background.

June 12 2017


My mate’s boyfriend decided to tell her he cheated on her back in december like 3 days before exams and honestly why are people so shit

June 09 2017

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June 04 2017

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June 03 2017


No offence but I’m not sure I’m ever going to get over seeing my lecturer in her bike leathers and honestly this is my no. 1 gay moment

May 31 2017


No offence but why does drunk me insist on being such a twat

May 29 2017

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